Love Story

My parents had an arranged marriage. They’ve been married 32 years. Of course, they have their problems, who doesn’t. But they make it work, as most Indian couples do. I used to hate the concept, and would constantly make sure to tell them that’s not something I would do, that they would just have to deal with a white (or black, or non brown) son in law from me- from both me and my sister. But the older, and lonelier I get, I realize I’m okay with settling. I’ll take an arranged married (really, essentially it’s glorified matchmaking now, FYI).  Being married and alone-  making a relationship work, is better than being completely alone. But the timer is ticking, I’m soon to be an old, unmarried spinster. It’s funny how that works. Our generation is delaying their marriage and children for their careers and independence, but no matter how advanced any society gets, and no matter how accomplished a woman becomes- being a “career woman” is still an unwelcome anomaly, and being in your thirties and unmarried is a bother to everyone.

          Because even though women are advancing, evolution is not.

If you wait to have children in your late thirties, you are still an old mother, and at a major disadvantage when it comes to birth defects and human development.

Can you tell my clock is ticking? Because I can. These hormones are intense. The loneliness is overwhelming. I hate myself for it.

I’m starting to follow all those movies and shows about women who live their lives unapologetically, and live alone for it- Sex and the city, Bridget Jones’ Diary, etc. You get the idea. I identify with them, now more than ever. But being an accomplished, successful old lady, is still worse than the young mother- happily married with children, but no job, and relies on her husband. How far our society has advanced, but we still believe in the old fashioned nuclear family. Humans are pushed to further their bloodline, rather than their intellectual accomplishments (at least women, more than men).

That’s life. That is Trump’s world. This is America.

 

You just a black man in this world
You just a barcode, ayy

 

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I believe magic exists

Magic. It’s when you kiss someone you love. It’s when you’re surrounded by friends who love you. It’ s that feeling when only you matter and you’re someone  else’s whole world. It’s that magic touch that leaves you out of breath and feeling tingling and out of this world.

Magic exists. But I don’t believe it’s coming back for me.

Did you feel it? I did. I’ve never experienced anything so good. I don’t think I will again.

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You Freak

Do you remember that time you found my printed list of how to kill yourself and called me a freak?

I do.

That was 16 years go.

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Thought I found a way out, but you never go away

Some naive part of me thought If I just act like myself, and be nice and a good person to everyone, people would see that. and KNOW that I’m not a bad person. But have your name wrongly shit on by a few people and everything goes to shit.

You have to advocate for yourself and tell people what you do, or else your reputation is in the hands of others. Barring those perfect people who are truly genuinely nice and poop rainbows. That is not me.

Take it or leave.

#Lovely

Oh, I hope some day I’ll make it out of here
Even if it takes all night or a hundred years
Need a place to hide, but I can’t find one near
Wanna feel alive, outside I can’t fight my fear

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Back to you

I wanna hold you when I’m not supposed to
When I’m lying close to someone else
You’re stuck in my head and I can’t get you out of it
If I could do it all again
I know I’d go back to you

Loneliness is a disease. It eats you alive from the inside.

When I see the guy I hooked up with around, while blatantly being ignored (in addition to by basically everyone I cared about/ was friends with here), it hurts. It feels like I’m a leper. I kind of am.

No, he’s not the one I’d go back to, but that bridge is burned, just like everything else I touch.

And I gotta convince myself I don’t want it
Even though I do

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You’re a Trouble maker// Yanny vs. Laurel

Half the time, I hate everyone. I hate my school, I hate people, I hate myself.

Everyone is so fake, and just overall shit. It’s yanny vs Laurel in every person (for the record, I hear both). I prefer Yanny, because where I’m from, Laurel is a town and pronounced WAY different. But everyone thinks their own thought/opinion/view is the right one.

I’m still struggling with the people I’ve been with the last two years, who I considered “my med school family” just totally being MAD AT ME for being depressed and “complaining too much” and “immature” and ditching me for that. I do not understand. Yes, I am better off without them, but that doesn’t make it hurt any less. I still take it personally, when people block or delete me on social media, and also in real life. It fucking hurts. It makes me feel a shit person, even though I don’t know what I’ve done wrong besides being immersed in my own circle of personal self torture.

I’m constantly going through the same tropes- sometimes, I just don’t want to deal with shit people, and others, I yearn for attention, affection, interaction. Normal, I know. But right now I’m still just resigned to feeling alone all the time. Loneliness is not a new emotion to me, it follows me everywhere I go. I don’t think it will every truly leave. Yes, I have fun and I still do have good friends, but at some point in time, everyone leaves. Mentally, emotionally, or physically. They find their own things- new friends, new lives, new hobbies, new relationships. In the end, the only person I can rely on is myself- and I can barely even do that.

The other half of the time- I’m fun, and optimistic; I’m everything a happy, fun, good person should be.

I’m trying to be friendly and a good friend to the people who are still talking to me, in the end I can only do me and not worry about the rest, because I know I’m good and the rest will fall into place, but like life, nothing is easy. All the interactions feel fake or forced. Certainly not genuine, like everyone is hiding something but we’re all just putting up with it until the next better thing comes along.

On another front, I fell into the same old story of sleeping around. Yet another one night stand filled with regrets and self doubt afterwards, because why don’t they want to contact me again? Was I that bad, that gross, that weird, that whatever? Nature of the game, I suppose. That’s why most people want to get out sooner, rather than later. Some of us, don’t have much choice. Sometimes, you just need a physical connection, and when it’s right in front of you, you take what you can get. At this point- the good ones are married or in the process, and I’m scraping the bottom of the barrel.

I still struggle with body issues, self esteem, confidence, whatever. I’m like a 17yr old in a 27yr old body- with all the experiences to back it up but there’s a flaw in application and execution. I mean, who doesn’t struggle with this stuff? But being single, and feeling like a failure doesn’t help. Neither does facebook- It’s graduation season (and engagement, and wedding, and also pregnancy announcement season). My alma mater and the medical school I wanted to go to has my former classmates graduating all over the place. I’m so so happy for them, but also sinking into a deep, dark hole of debt and failure and crippling self doubt that I’ll never make it there.

Imposter syndrome is no joke- I’m a medical student, a researcher, a scientist. I have a master’s degree and work experience; I even have publications. Yet somehow I think I’m in the wrong place, and I’m still failing medical school. I’ve lost my work ethic, motivation, and drive. My work ethic was my one mitigating factor and biggest strength coming into this place- but it’s disappeared and I have no desire to get it back. A relatively easy fix, no doubt, but I am still struggling.

I’ve heard rumors my twin will be getting engaged/married in the next few years (no surprise, with her long term relationship), but hearing it in actual spoken words doesn’t it make any easier when just thinking about myself. Selfish? You bet. But try being a twin and NOT being compared. Do it. Because you will struggle. This means my delay in medical school, extra debt, failures, and spinster life will be the talk of the town. It matters to me, and I hate it. It takes the pressure off me- at least my parents can be happy one daughter will be getting married- but the other? no dice. They are already pushing arranged marriage on me and asking about marriage and children. I’m so over it all, but I just have to grin and bear it.

Sitting in class writing this- a class I hate, I’m retaking, with a professor I can’t stand. I should be paying attention, but sometimes I just need to fill the void, and this is more tolerable to handle.

“Keep yourself happy, and the rest will follow”

There must be poison in those finger tips of yours
‘Cause I keep comin’ back again for more

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There’s Gotta be more to Life…

I’ve got it all, but I feel so deprived
I go up, I come down and I’m emptier inside
Tell me what is this thing that I feel like I’m missing
And why can’t I let go

There’s gotta be more to life
Than chasing down every temporary high to satisfy me
‘Cause the more that I’m

Tripping out thinking there must be more to life
Well it’s life, but I’m sure, there’s gotta be more
Than wanting more

I’ve got the time and I’m wasting it slowly
Here in this moment I’m half way out the door
Onto the next thing, I’m searching for something that’s missing

 

This song is 15 (FIFTEEN)!!! years old. It resonated with me in teenage angst, and it always circles back to my old playlists. It still resonates with me now. I feel useless.

I failed my last term, I thought I would be able to make it out, but ONE POINT in one class has cost me another 25k in loans (after interest, more like 45K)…. so here’s an extra roughly 50k to my school for me being a fuck up. Hello 300K in looming loans.

It is odd and depressing, not moving on with my class to the next step in the process. I feel the judgement, the stares, the looks about how dumb I am, repeating classes. My advisor/our Dean couldn’t even look at me. I already hate myself enough, and now I have to put up with this too. I only hope I can get a Match after this much failure. I hope that residency programs can look past my mistakes, and I hope even more that I can do better in future to make up for my lack of passion for life. I wish I had a better excuse. Anxiety, Depression, lack of caring, fatigue, and exhaustion? These are normal in medical school, why would I be given any exception? Not really medically diagnosed (personal choice) because of the stigma, and not something I like to talk about to other people. It puts too much pressure on them and on me- I want to have more fun with my friends, not drag them down about the shit I always feel. I don’t want my teachers to judge me more (than they already are, for me being here longer).

I hope I make it out of here. This new class of people I’m joining is no joke . They are serious and seriously smart. Not that others aren’t, but there are just more of them in a smaller class-> AKA less of a curve for me. I’m going to have to work my ass off just to pass, and it will still be below their average. I can do it, but it’s not going to be easy (really, is anything?) But it’s more stress and anxiety on me, yay life.

I really am considering why I’m here. I hope I have renewed motivation to get out and do well and stop messing up.

I’m an adult, yet I keep making the same mistakes. If I was smart, I wouldn’t be here, but here we are. I still haven’t told my parents I will be on my island longer (yet another aspect of life that makes me feel like shit: My parents treat me like a child and I act like a child- because I rely on them for money and living and breaks). Student life is like that, and I’m very lucky to have them to rely on, but it’s exhausting, being treated like you’re in high school when you’re heading toward your 30s.

I’m certainly not the only one in this situation, nor will I be the last. I’m not actually stupid either. I just make mistakes. I have highs and lows just like anyone else. I might not be the best student or test taker, but there’s a brain in here somewhere and it’s good for a lot of things, even if it glitches every now and then.

For now? I just would like it if I didn’t feel so empty all the time.

 

My shadow’s the only one that walks beside me.
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