Half the time, I hate everyone. I hate my school, I hate people, I hate myself.
Everyone is so fake, and just overall shit. It’s yanny vs Laurel in every person (for the record, I hear both). I prefer Yanny, because where I’m from, Laurel is a town and pronounced WAY different. But everyone thinks their own thought/opinion/view is the right one.
I’m still struggling with the people I’ve been with the last two years, who I considered “my med school family” just totally being MAD AT ME for being depressed and “complaining too much” and “immature” and ditching me for that. I do not understand. Yes, I am better off without them, but that doesn’t make it hurt any less. I still take it personally, when people block or delete me on social media, and also in real life. It fucking hurts. It makes me feel a shit person, even though I don’t know what I’ve done wrong besides being immersed in my own circle of personal self torture.
I’m constantly going through the same tropes- sometimes, I just don’t want to deal with shit people, and others, I yearn for attention, affection, interaction. Normal, I know. But right now I’m still just resigned to feeling alone all the time. Loneliness is not a new emotion to me, it follows me everywhere I go. I don’t think it will every truly leave. Yes, I have fun and I still do have good friends, but at some point in time, everyone leaves. Mentally, emotionally, or physically. They find their own things- new friends, new lives, new hobbies, new relationships. In the end, the only person I can rely on is myself- and I can barely even do that.
The other half of the time- I’m fun, and optimistic; I’m everything a happy, fun, good person should be.
I’m trying to be friendly and a good friend to the people who are still talking to me, in the end I can only do me and not worry about the rest, because I know I’m good and the rest will fall into place, but like life, nothing is easy. All the interactions feel fake or forced. Certainly not genuine, like everyone is hiding something but we’re all just putting up with it until the next better thing comes along.
On another front, I fell into the same old story of sleeping around. Yet another one night stand filled with regrets and self doubt afterwards, because why don’t they want to contact me again? Was I that bad, that gross, that weird, that whatever? Nature of the game, I suppose. That’s why most people want to get out sooner, rather than later. Some of us, don’t have much choice. Sometimes, you just need a physical connection, and when it’s right in front of you, you take what you can get. At this point- the good ones are married or in the process, and I’m scraping the bottom of the barrel.
I still struggle with body issues, self esteem, confidence, whatever. I’m like a 17yr old in a 27yr old body- with all the experiences to back it up but there’s a flaw in application and execution. I mean, who doesn’t struggle with this stuff? But being single, and feeling like a failure doesn’t help. Neither does facebook- It’s graduation season (and engagement, and wedding, and also pregnancy announcement season). My alma mater and the medical school I wanted to go to has my former classmates graduating all over the place. I’m so so happy for them, but also sinking into a deep, dark hole of debt and failure and crippling self doubt that I’ll never make it there.
Imposter syndrome is no joke- I’m a medical student, a researcher, a scientist. I have a master’s degree and work experience; I even have publications. Yet somehow I think I’m in the wrong place, and I’m still failing medical school. I’ve lost my work ethic, motivation, and drive. My work ethic was my one mitigating factor and biggest strength coming into this place- but it’s disappeared and I have no desire to get it back. A relatively easy fix, no doubt, but I am still struggling.
I’ve heard rumors my twin will be getting engaged/married in the next few years (no surprise, with her long term relationship), but hearing it in actual spoken words doesn’t it make any easier when just thinking about myself. Selfish? You bet. But try being a twin and NOT being compared. Do it. Because you will struggle. This means my delay in medical school, extra debt, failures, and spinster life will be the talk of the town. It matters to me, and I hate it. It takes the pressure off me- at least my parents can be happy one daughter will be getting married- but the other? no dice. They are already pushing arranged marriage on me and asking about marriage and children. I’m so over it all, but I just have to grin and bear it.
Sitting in class writing this- a class I hate, I’m retaking, with a professor I can’t stand. I should be paying attention, but sometimes I just need to fill the void, and this is more tolerable to handle.
“Keep yourself happy, and the rest will follow”
There must be poison in those finger tips of yours
‘Cause I keep comin’ back again for more