Man I havent written on this in while, and i really need to sleep for work right now since its late, but i enjoy reading my old posts. and I lieke to keep up with my life somehow by remembering the past. Sam and I broke up, seems so fucking short, 3 months. I was under the impression we were still gonna be friends and see where that goes, but im getting the impression he doesnt want that.? or sometimes anyways, who the fuck knows. I’m finding that even though the break up was mutual/ i initiated a good chunk of it, i still really like him and i dont know what to do about it. That whole depressed feeling like your alone shit is there, but there’s also the whole i want you back and i want to try to make it work but he doesnt want that what THE FUCK do i do? looking through my old posts, so much changed from how i originally felt then back to that in only 3 months. It doesnt make sense. one minute i felt nothing, then next i was happy as fuck, and then i decided to break up with him? what the hell is wrong with me.
i just don’t get it. and I’ve been talking to bryndon, and STILL no one has the flow of conversation like we do. Yeah its comfortable and easy and we just a shit fuck ton of history, but come on. what the hell is up? as much as i liked sam it was NEVER this easy. and granted things were really hard with bryndon for a long time, so i’m forgetting and taking for granted that part. but still i just dont feel like im ever gonna be good enough for sam, not as a friend or as anything more. and i was being a drunk whore over the weekend (no, I didnt do anything, but i didnt do a very god job of keeping drunk hands far enough away from me) and that was stupid.
i just feel stupid. about everything. Oh well, my prep class will be keeping me more than busy, unfortunatetly it still leaves me feeling alone (and more like shit because of my sister). I swear this summer is FLYING by. eveyr fucking weekend we go home to graduation parties or something with out parents, and i feel like i never get to have fun or see my friends or do anything i like (which, a good chunk of what i want to do is see Sam and he’s always busy or doesnt want tot hang out- think i should have gotten the hint by now? probably, but i’m still trying. sometimes, you just gotta gofor what you want, because on the very rare occassion, it works out.) and it was all on my own stupidity that i messed everything up. i dont fucking know. ever.
summer’s supposed to be fun, but i havent felt anything yet? and to top it all off, im losing my interest in drinking at parties. it’s just not fun anymore. I feel alone and secluded and bored and lame. I dont get any joy out of getting guys’ attention like i used to, it’s just…. not the same. and even with all the fucking drama i had last summer, i still had crazy amounts of fun. like, woah. because i had close friends who i cared about and id like to think they cared abotu me too. and this summer? i seem to be loosing them all. right now, who the fuck are my real friends who want to actually hang out with me? i can count them on one hand. The people who actually try? even less. and then you take out the guys who just want a hookup, and…. it’s not pretty.
what am i doing wrong? not feeling? not trying? because, somehow it’s always me that is in the wrong.
sick of it all right now, but im also exhausted and don’t want to go to work tomorrow. I need to lose the 10lbs i gained after loosing it, fuck. Lost weight, gained a boyfriend. Gained weight, lost one. Oh well, hope i can lose at least 5 pounds before i go to the beach with my high school friends :/. idkman. Life. why you so stupid?