There a couple things i need to get off my mind before I pack up once and for alll and leave this forsaken place that is my first apartment ever, with “friends” i at one point looked forward to living with.
1). If you’re planning on getting plan B anyways, why are guys so reluctant to enjoy it? jeez, use it if youre getting it.
2). (and not in any particular order, because this is in fact the longest and most important:
I really, really need to re-evaluate my life right now. There’s no one out there who can forgive me but myself, even though i know I would want Sam to, but fuck that just adds to the story.
Let’s move things around a little, just for shits and giggles.
On Saturday morning, I woke up on the floor, butt ass naked, wearing nothing but an inside out men’s t-shirt, in some guy’s empty apartment room.
WHAT THE FUCK.
Now to backtrack. Friday night I was trying to make plans with Wyatt, because he said he had none and i also had none, for the first time in ages, (don’t know if that’s more bad or good) and I wanted to hang out with him, make things cool between us again after the debacle that was last last weekend. well I tried to make plans, but he kind of flaked on me.
So i ended up sleeping in my room, watching the olympics, etc. plus also texting my other friends because I did not want to stay alone in my room on a friday night, one of my last nights of freedom in college park. Well my friends came through and were hanging out, and said I could join, WOOHOO. so excited.
but wait, now who calls me after these plans are already made? SAM. telling me that wyatt is having people over and i should come, if it turns out well (but he is too tired from hanging out with his… essentially GF, so he’ll be going to sleep). Well i already left for my friends, but texted wyatt asking for more details, etc. I said I’d come later If i was sober, and Sam was supposed to call me back telling me how it was.
Well I’m drinking with my friends and having a great time, we’re supposed to go to the bars later. At this point i’m still sober enough that if i stop drinking and wait a little, I could drive over to sam & wyatt’s. So I call Sam, only to find out that it is only Sam, Wyatt, and Meaghan, the girl Wyatt hooked up with after I left with Sam. Well, whoop di fucking hell no was I going over there, even though I wanted to see Sam and Wyatt, I’m not getting in the middle of any more triangles.
So I stayed, and drank more, and had so much fun. Me & a couple of the guys went to Looneys, and we drank and had fun….
and this is where it gets blurry. I didnt drink that much that I consciously know of, but damn those cranberry vodkas really kill me. anyways, I danced, and I talked to this kid I kind of like,/ ive hooked up with him in the past and i wanted to see if there was anything more to it than that. Well i talked for a little, no luck. No worries, moving on. Well I closed my tab and thought I was leaving, but that is the last thing I remember.
Now to put the bits and pieces together from non other than mike himself. According to him, I drank A LOT more and we went up to his place, and i was “awol” / black out drunk (he was really drunk too).
BUT HERE’S THE FUCKING KICKER. I KEPT CALLING HIM SAM. oh my fucking god….. i guess I’m not over sam huh?
He said we hooked up, and had sex, but he didn’t cum? um, what. sure? I don’t know what to think.
I was a mess. We only talked a few seconds/ exchanged even fewer texts. I apologized for being stupid, because I don’t want him to think worse of me, and i know he wont apologize. If this was bryndon talking (which, it is. because he’s the only one ive been talking to and keeping afloat of this whole situation), that what an upstanding character I hung out with who slept with me while i was falling asleep/blackout drunk. I’m…. not sure what to say to that.
But seriously though? a). I’m not over sam. b). I just had to fucking get plan b AGAIN c). I dont remember my whole night and that is a problem d). Ive added yet another fucking number to my list, which i seriously seriously did not want to do. WHY THE FUCK DOES DRUNK ME DO THESE THINGS?!?!?! e). I need to go to a doctor, asap. or at least get checked. fuck my life. the list could go on, but i’ll hold off for now.
I’m so disappointed in myself. I need to stop drinking. I need to stop being a such a partier and living such a promiscuous life. It is not healthy at all. Sam and Wyatt are such, classy guys. And I want to live up to their standards, but I’m just falling way way waaayyyyyy below the bar.
There’s a only a couple weekends left in summer, and there’s too much to do. I don’t know what to do about Mike, if I should text him and talk to him or ignore him and pretend like this never happened and still be friends? if that’s possible.
shit motherfucker. why do i keep putting myself in these terrible positions? I also want to fucking know what i did friday night. because it is not okay. I’m sure i embarrassed myself like crazy.
I don’t know what to do right now. but i do need to move my shit out of my room, blah. Moving in with my sister tomorrow, kill me now. But maybe i should just be optimistic and think it it’ll be…. easy? ….. ha ha.
I had a few more numbers to add to the list, but I think this is enough for now.
To think that if i ever got pregnant in the next month, it could be with two different guys? holy fuck i never imagined my life to spin this out of control. At least infections are curable. something else growing inside of me? Not so much.
anyways, off to try to fix the rest of things that are my life right now.