Talk to me. Please.
Feel so alone, even though I am not. Why do I feel this way? I just want somebody to fucking talk to. (and not talk at, because I can do that with this). I am not boring, or melodramatic (usually), or lame. I’m funny and cool and awesome, I really am. I’m creative and up beat and crazy. I like to have fun, even if that mean being out of the box. I do my own thing, yet I still want to be apart of something.
I play lacrosse, but I don’t feel part of the team. Im the VICE PRESIDENT, of a pre-med society, and I’m still a puppet. I affect so many people’s lives, in very good way, and they don’t even realize it. I get taken for granted, and very few people want to hang out with me for me. There are the guys, who are only trying to get something- whether its a girlfriend I can introduce them to or something from me- without trying to get to know me.
It’s 10:30, and all I did today was stress about the work I have to get done. I didn’t get anything done, and I’ve been watching tv and sleeping. I want to say I live a boring life, but I don’t. I really don’t. I party a lot, I go out a lot, I have a lot of superficial friends. But people who i am genuinely close too, I lack. I can try to talk with people, but girls judge, and so do guys, and the ones who don’t have significant others who don’t like them talking to people. I feel like I’m stuck in a black hole of emptiness. Writing on here is probably no help, it just makes me feel worse, but it’s the only constructive way I know how to get it out.
I’m stressed out about money and Europe and grad school and med school, grades and classes, sleep and friends, relationships and school. It’s all normal, but man. I don’t know what to expect. The last time I truly gave up and knew I was going to be alone, I met someone who made me ridiculously happy. And I don’t know that what to think about finding it again. Ive been contemplating life like crazy, and yeah it is fucking melodramatic, but why the fuck not? Why the hell can’t I be to people I don’t want to lose, and on this website where it doesn’t matter? What’s so wrong with being melodramatic? Does it make me a bad friend? Do I make people stressed out because I’m too much?
I certainly feel like he was right in that sense, being around the nannos has made me crazy. I need to ground myself, get myself back. But I’m surrounded by people who just feel fake to me. and I don’t know how to change back. I can’t lose myself in going out, in partying, in drugs or alcohol. It’s not the right path. things always go wrong, bad things happen. I can do this, but it only helps so much. This website doesnt invest it’s feelings in me. I am not getting anything from this. I want to get to know people. While losing people with whom you once knew extremely well is downright depressing when you realize things will never be the same, it is incredibly amazing to have people trust in you that much in the first place. I wish I could write this fast to get my homework done. to think, to feel. I don’t know what i’m good at, or where my brain is, but I know I like doing this, writing. While it’s not any good, it is certainly a lot better than physiology and biology and neurology and physics and chemistry and the load of crock i’m supposed to be loving and studying. Some things are very awesome, and I am happy I can study things that challenge me.
i tried hard to be normal on friday, I almost ignored you. I am not comfortable being around you or hearing about you. I havent heard from Nick, and I want to.
Back to my hopes of homework. To physics that is ridiculously frustrating to me and to everything that is a part of life.
I hope Will has nothing to do with why I’m feeling so out of it recently.