I feel like a mess. Lost, out of place, and a huge failure. I’m overly emotional, I feel like I want to cry all the time and I have no one to talk to. Something is missing from my life.
In reality, I think I’m just overly stressed out about my mcat coming up. My scores are way too low for what they need to be. And I’m clearly not studying correctly. 7-8 hours a day just isn’t enough. I didn’t even know today was Saturday. I don’t know how to get rid of this stress but I know it’s only making things worse.
On top of it all, A and S are mad because they think I drank their alcohol at some club. I did because they gave it to me. Sometimes, I just don’t know what to say to him…
But then there’s the whole blacking out thing, and New Years. God, why am I such a fucking failure and mess. At almost 22 years old, I should be able to control my alcohol, but i still can’t. I turn into a slutty stupid jealous moody bitch depending on the situation. No guy wants to date a whore, it’s no wonder I can’t get a guy.
Then there’s work and volunteering, and on top of that grad school and just the fucking future.
I’m scared shitless, enough that I can’t get my ass to get up and something about it all. That’s all I need to do, and I’m having trouble with it.
What a fucking mess.
In reality, I should be thankful. Yeah I’m being a little dramatic, but I’m worried about my mcat and my future, sue me motherfucker. Not everyone is smart and has their life all set out for them.
I was very happy last semester. I wasn’t content with my grades, but for the first time I was truly happy in college. And now it’s gone to shit. Again.
Depression? Anxiety? I don’t know. I’ve been experiencing it in some form or the other for about ten years now. I deal with it. I’m not gonna kill myself over it. But it still just sucks.
Okay. Sleep, and studying. What else.
Maybe I’ll feel better tomorrow… Hey, a girl can dream, right?