Intimacy vs. Isolation

That awkward moment when you text a bunch of different guys “I’m drunk as fuck, what’s up?”

then also text your previous hook-up that you drunkenly called a million times on previous occasions (borderline going on legit crazy here) with random jealous shit….

and also hook up with some random frat boy aka dance with him and make out with him in the middle of an awkward empty space in a frat basement

…then leave the party because you’re feeling alone and chill outside of an abandoned/empty house for over an hour while texting said boys (& telling some you are not okay)

oh, & then walking home alone because the 4 girls you came with thought you left already, speed walking, not hearing one of the girls call your name, at which point you run into 7-11 and pick up two snack things, & then meet your friends back home (and order pizza while blitz faced while you’re at it)

oh, and also let some boy in to hang out who SLEEPS IN YOUR BED, (next to you, with a foot of space in between with NO EXPLANATION). what the hell.

also, this was at a lax social, where the girls saw me being a drunk weird whore, so practice today was fun.

this is my life. what the fuck. Oh, and those grad school applications? not started. That thing called homework? Not even touched.

And I still feel ALONE AS FUCK. WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH ME.

I am a single, young adult enjoying life with a million things to do and I should not be worrying about my relationship status, or my sex life: BUT I AM. WHY?!?!?

OH YEAH, and on top of this fucking mess,  I don’t even know how to deal with the fact of death. It’s a part of life, and maybe we go on to a better place, right?

I don’t know. but it’s all hitting me kind of hard. and I don’t particularly want to talk about it on here, oddly enough. Somehow the mix of death and drinking/sex just don’t mix, go figure.

and one of those ex’s basically is courting a new lady. probably why i’m feeling even worse, on top of everything else. While also trying not to text my other ex, but somehow we still are.

fuck me. also, that whole rape issue, is bothering me more and more now that i’m taking this human sexuality class. 

but you define who you are, right? so why should a few bad events here and there define who you are? I’ve failed college, gotten in trouble with the law and speeding,  drank underage, and slept with some very unsavory characters. But I have a list that’s a mile long of good things I’ve done, and they outweigh the bad by more then enough.

So why I am even caring about any of this? I don’t know. I also didn’t do my homework that is due tomorrow. What is wrong with me?!

I fucked up at work today, I hope I did everything right. I’m so down on myself I can’t even get basic tasks done. This whole lack of self esteem/self-loathing/putting myself down/lack of confidence thing really really needs to stop. Right now. Because I can’t take it anymore. 

 

 

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About lionking

Ranting about the ups and mostly downs of my life. If you like pessimism and the occasional drunken adventure this is the place for you. I'll try to be more open/clear about my (sometimes nonexistant) dating life. let's see how this goes. Also, this is for sure adult content, so there's your warning.
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