There’s Gotta be more to Life…

I’ve got it all, but I feel so deprived
I go up, I come down and I’m emptier inside
Tell me what is this thing that I feel like I’m missing
And why can’t I let go

There’s gotta be more to life
Than chasing down every temporary high to satisfy me
‘Cause the more that I’m

Tripping out thinking there must be more to life
Well it’s life, but I’m sure, there’s gotta be more
Than wanting more

I’ve got the time and I’m wasting it slowly
Here in this moment I’m half way out the door
Onto the next thing, I’m searching for something that’s missing

 

This song is 15 (FIFTEEN)!!! years old. It resonated with me in teenage angst, and it always circles back to my old playlists. It still resonates with me now. I feel useless.

I failed my last term, I thought I would be able to make it out, but ONE POINT in one class has cost me another 25k in loans (after interest, more like 45K)…. so here’s an extra roughly 50k to my school for me being a fuck up. Hello 300K in looming loans.

It is odd and depressing, not moving on with my class to the next step in the process. I feel the judgement, the stares, the looks about how dumb I am, repeating classes. My advisor/our Dean couldn’t even look at me. I already hate myself enough, and now I have to put up with this too. I only hope I can get a Match after this much failure. I hope that residency programs can look past my mistakes, and I hope even more that I can do better in future to make up for my lack of passion for life. I wish I had a better excuse. Anxiety, Depression, lack of caring, fatigue, and exhaustion? These are normal in medical school, why would I be given any exception? Not really medically diagnosed (personal choice) because of the stigma, and not something I like to talk about to other people. It puts too much pressure on them and on me- I want to have more fun with my friends, not drag them down about the shit I always feel. I don’t want my teachers to judge me more (than they already are, for me being here longer).

I hope I make it out of here. This new class of people I’m joining is no joke . They are serious and seriously smart. Not that others aren’t, but there are just more of them in a smaller class-> AKA less of a curve for me. I’m going to have to work my ass off just to pass, and it will still be below their average. I can do it, but it’s not going to be easy (really, is anything?) But it’s more stress and anxiety on me, yay life.

I really am considering why I’m here. I hope I have renewed motivation to get out and do well and stop messing up.

I’m an adult, yet I keep making the same mistakes. If I was smart, I wouldn’t be here, but here we are. I still haven’t told my parents I will be on my island longer (yet another aspect of life that makes me feel like shit: My parents treat me like a child and I act like a child- because I rely on them for money and living and breaks). Student life is like that, and I’m very lucky to have them to rely on, but it’s exhausting, being treated like you’re in high school when you’re heading toward your 30s.

I’m certainly not the only one in this situation, nor will I be the last. I’m not actually stupid either. I just make mistakes. I have highs and lows just like anyone else. I might not be the best student or test taker, but there’s a brain in here somewhere and it’s good for a lot of things, even if it glitches every now and then.

For now? I just would like it if I didn’t feel so empty all the time.

 

My shadow’s the only one that walks beside me.
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About lionking

Ranting about the ups and mostly downs of my life. If you like pessimism and the occasional drunken adventure this is the place for you. I'll try to be more open/clear about my (sometimes nonexistant) dating life. let's see how this goes. Also, this is for sure adult content, so there's your warning.
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