I go up, I come down and I’m emptier inside
Tell me what is this thing that I feel like I’m missing
And why can’t I let go
There’s gotta be more to life
Than chasing down every temporary high to satisfy me
‘Cause the more that I’m
Tripping out thinking there must be more to life
Well it’s life, but I’m sure, there’s gotta be more
Than wanting more
I’ve got the time and I’m wasting it slowly
Here in this moment I’m half way out the door
Onto the next thing, I’m searching for something that’s missing
I failed my last term, I thought I would be able to make it out, but ONE POINT in one class has cost me another 25k in loans (after interest, more like 45K)…. so here’s an extra roughly 50k to my school for me being a fuck up. Hello 300K in looming loans.
It is odd and depressing, not moving on with my class to the next step in the process. I feel the judgement, the stares, the looks about how dumb I am, repeating classes. My advisor/our Dean couldn’t even look at me. I already hate myself enough, and now I have to put up with this too. I only hope I can get a Match after this much failure. I hope that residency programs can look past my mistakes, and I hope even more that I can do better in future to make up for my lack of passion for life. I wish I had a better excuse. Anxiety, Depression, lack of caring, fatigue, and exhaustion? These are normal in medical school, why would I be given any exception? Not really medically diagnosed (personal choice) because of the stigma, and not something I like to talk about to other people. It puts too much pressure on them and on me- I want to have more fun with my friends, not drag them down about the shit I always feel. I don’t want my teachers to judge me more (than they already are, for me being here longer).
I really am considering why I’m here. I hope I have renewed motivation to get out and do well and stop messing up.
I’m an adult, yet I keep making the same mistakes. If I was smart, I wouldn’t be here, but here we are. I still haven’t told my parents I will be on my island longer (yet another aspect of life that makes me feel like shit: My parents treat me like a child and I act like a child- because I rely on them for money and living and breaks). Student life is like that, and I’m very lucky to have them to rely on, but it’s exhausting, being treated like you’re in high school when you’re heading toward your 30s.
I’m certainly not the only one in this situation, nor will I be the last. I’m not actually stupid either. I just make mistakes. I have highs and lows just like anyone else. I might not be the best student or test taker, but there’s a brain in here somewhere and it’s good for a lot of things, even if it glitches every now and then.
For now? I just would like it if I didn’t feel so empty all the time.