Ocean eyes

You make me wanna say things I never seem to say
Make me ask, “Why am I always acting this way?”
You make me wanna do things I never seem to do

If I was gonna fall for some old dude I was hooking up with, it would have been smarter to do it with like, maybe a rich guy and get a sugar daddy while I was at it or something…

But no, of course not. What do I do? I find myself another useless, depressing, distraction when my sole focus should be 1000% studying for my CBSSA/CBSE/STEP1. No, I wear my heart on my sleeve, and find myself on track to getting hurt, again. Both head and heart. I’m doing TERRIBLE on my exams. I’m making no improvement. I’m worried about timing and failure, and yet I’m not doing enough about it. I’ve been slacking, hard. I’ve been distracted with this boy. And not even about anything significant, or with good conversation. It’s just, a hook up.  An infeasible one.

I thought I would never speak to him again, after leaving the island. I was not expecting this very odd chain of events. I’m not doing things that make me feel good, long term. I just want to get to know him better, and he’s not interested. I don’t want to stop talking to him, but it’s only me who is going to get hurt (for real) if I don’t.

Yeah, things feel good right now, but it’s leading down a path to self destruction. I can’t do this again. I used to be able to sleep around and not give a shit, but I can’t do it anymore. No more friends with benefits or long term hook ups. I want more. I deserve more. If he was interested in dating for real, I would definitely try it. The age difference isn’t ideal but it happens. But he doesn’t want that, and never will. I need to put myself first this time. The important things- like school, and exams, and boards… not love and sex. That shit needs to go on the back burner for a few months. Just a little bit.

Once again, I’m the girl they sleep with, not date. I gotta stop doing this. I need to change. Time to forget his ocean eyes. I’ve been lost in ocean, but it’s time for me to get out of the water. If I keep swimming any longer, I better be prepared to drown.

Why I can’t I just fall for some guy, who’s wants all of me too? Bad luck, bad decisions. I never learn. In other poor choices, my friend definitely has it for me, and he’s a good guy, but I’m just… not interested in him like that. I feel so bad, he’s one of my best friends. But once again, more bad decisions.

I'm a mess, I'm a loser
I'm a hater, I'm a user
I'm a mess for your love, it ain't new
I'm obsessed, I'm embarrassed
I don't trust no one around us
I'm a mess for your love, it ain't new
We all got expectations, and sometimes they go wrong
But no one listens to me, so I put it in this song

 

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About lionking

Ranting about the ups and mostly downs of my life. If you like pessimism and the occasional drunken adventure this is the place for you. I'll try to be more open/clear about my (sometimes nonexistant) dating life. let's see how this goes. Also, this is for sure adult content, so there's your warning.
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