What… Do I DO. I haven’t heard from this guy in what feels like forever. I found out today he’s coming to my state in the next WEEK. WHAT. This is much, much sooner than I anticipated.
BUT HIS TALK IS FUCKING CHEAP. OR IS IT?
Was he just saying these things in the moment, or does he actually want to see me? I don’t know. He’s old and I shouldn’t give a fuck about guys who treat me like trash. I may not be thin, but I’m young and pretty and smart. I can technically date whoever, and I should, right?
SO WHY do I want to see him. I’ve been in knots over being angry and weirded out that he’ll be 30 some miles away from me soon. LIKE 10 DAYS. I want to see him, but does he want to see me? Does he just get off on telling me things in the moment and sexting, but isn’t interested in real life sex? I don’t know. He’s private and secretive and I’ve been trying not to talk to anyone about this AND IT’S SO HARD I’M STRUGGLING. His name has come up in conversation with other people ssooooooo many times in the last couple days, it’s driving me nuts. Almost half of January, my time was filled conversing with this man. Not to mention, we’ve been hooking up in some form or another FOR THE PAST 6 MONTHS. SIX.
There is absolutely no reason for me to sleep with him. I could sleep with anybody else. Or rather, I should date other people like a normal person. But I’m not normal. Apparently I enjoy torturing myself for wanting to sleep with a man whose intentions are questionable and who certainly does NOT want a relationship with me.
Then there’s the paranoid part of me. Is he not talking to me because he tested positive for something?! I haven’t gotten tested yet, it’s been on my to do list but have not gotten around to it. But I know he has, because he needed a physical for school and he covers his bases (or didn’t soon enough). SO THEN what do I do? Be mortified and never speak to him again if that is the case?
There’s the other side that overthinks- what if he’s intentionally not talking to me to avoid seeing me here, so this (whatever this was) doesn’t go any further? It’s possible. Easier way to stop our shit. But then I wonder about me- Am I not good enough for him? He certainly wanted my body before, but now that it’s attainable, he doesn’t anymore? The forbidden fruit loses it’s appeal when it’s readily available? He’s also been busy ( I assume….) getting ready to move and paperwork and housing and all that jazz. But I know he’s talked to other classmates, so that may be over doing it on the empathy.
Somebody save my dysfunctional brain. All I can think about is sex lately. I’m having a birthday party this month, and I want him to be there. He won’t. This is bad. I’m a fucking goner.