All Alone. It doesn’t fucking get better. But I will Carry On.

I haven’t posted on this in forever. Somehow, I managed to get so low, fucked up my entire life, and then tried to put the pieces back together.

I graduated college. I took the next step. What’s that, you ask? Well for someone who doesn’t know what the fuck to do next after school, it is… drumroll please: More school.

So I went to graduate school in Baltimore. I LOVED it. Not because the school was any better- but I finally figured out how to study, how to love, how to live, how to BE. I started talking to someone about my problems. I kept fucking up in the boy and the friend department. I hooked up. I had an absolute slut year to get over a rough break with a FWB. He literally fucked me over, I made some stupid choices and I lost ALL my friends because of it. (I’m slowly realizing the problem is always me).

I kept a few other friends. I met a boy. He kept me occupied for a while. He was still a fuckboy in the end who didn’t want to DTR. It’s okay, I still had fun.

While I didn’t manage to do well in the school department, I managed to start at a Caribbean Med school (Disclaimer: DON’T FUCKING DO IT).  I fucked my application process. Started too late, procrastinated like usual, stressed the fuck out, etc etc.

Fast forward a bit. My school experience has been like one of those wipe-out shows: bouncing off obstacles while failing HARD CORE but still somehow making it through- and getting totally obliterated in the process.

I won’t vent about my school here, yet. There’s a lot of shit, and it’s not the place you want to be. But in the end I just want to GTFO and I can warn others after (IF) I get that MD.

Anyways, I’m FAILING this term. I can re do it, but it means more time and money on an island that is not an easy life. It’s far from first world (and not quite third world either). It’s beautiful and there are a lot of perks. With nothing to do (but lay on the beach, swim, visit other islands)… sure, it sounds like paradise. It means there are fewer distractions to study. For a while, after getting over my first failing term, I made really good friends, had A LOT of fun and LOVED life. I enjoyed school, my friends, the beach, everything. This past term however- I struggled from the get go. Something hit me harder this year. Maybe it was being extra upset about staying a hookup buddy with my ex. Maybe it was being useless and single and not proud of my life at 27. Late twenties, single, unaccomplished? What a life. Depression hit me HARD. I have a hunch it had something to do with my IUD shifting- it doesn’t quite make sense, medically. But hormonal contraceptives fuck with my emotions hardcore. Anyways, school was rough, I drink myself into a shitshow one night and alienated my “close” friends in the process. I failed my midterms, and got stuck in a deep hole that was going to be near impossible to dig myself out of.

I thought I could make it out. But instead, it has just gotten worse. Those friends? It’s funny how the first signs of failure and not finishing school at the same time as them, and they NOPED the fuck out real quick. They stopped talking to me. They excluded me from what I thought were really good friends, and med school family. They replaced me with another brown one. 

I don’t know if I’m gonna make it out of this term still standing. I don’t know if I can stand yet another $25,000 and 6 months on this island. I don’t have the mental stamina, or the friends for it. I’ve alienated everyone. The only common denominator to this shit is me. I’m the fuck up.

That broken record player in my head and body? It plays palpitations, upset stomach, tremors, chest paint, shortness of breath. The constant “You’re an idiot. You’re a fuck up. You suck. Everyone is better than you”… Funny, I think I wrote those same thoughts 5 years ago. Somethings cycle back to the same, over and over and over again.

I need some propranolol, and some alprazolam (AKA Xanax). My current anxiolytic is wine, and nothing else (but maybe this). I’ve learned a few things here. But I don’t think I know ANYTHING, and certainly not enough to take a board exam yet.

I feel old, and alone. I feel bored, restless. I’m falling apart. Like I’m doing something wrong and I don’t want to be here. WHY am I here? I don’t have the motivation. I don’t have the “it.” I took it to heart when an ex told me I shouldn’t do med school. He told me to quit, a few months in after failing, and he told me to go to start over. Go to vet school (because I love dogs).

I can’t stop thinking about that option. But I don’t want to start over. I just want to be accepted. To finish. To not be a statistic. To make my parents, and myself actually proud of my work. I’m not-not proud of anything I’ve done. I half-ass it all.

But here we are. Burn out is real.

I put one foot in front of the other one.

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FUCK THE GRAND SCHEME.

CLEARLY I NEED TO JUST ACCEPT THAT I’M FUCKING STUPID AND NEED TO STOP TAKING EXAMS.

FUCK. FUCK FUCK FUCK.

 

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I want to hold your hand

Between facebook, twitter, instagram, and tinder, I lose my thoughts pretty quickly. The millions of things running through my mind disappear and reappear without expression from my messy brain.

So basically I forget/just don’t feel like blogging on here too unless I’ve got some serious shit on my mind that I have’t gotten out through other social media. Or unless I am procrastinating like crazy, aka right now.

Also, Tinder is hilarious, stupid, yet super fun.

Coworkers can make or break your life.

Boys suck- only the douches ask you out.

I think I’m set on being alone. I can do the drunk make outs or whatever if they happen- but that’s it.

I officially hate teams/group projects/working with other people who need to get things done.

And I need to change the internal dialogue going on in my head 24/7. It’s pretty much me telling me that I :suck, am stupid, am worthless, and friendless, am always wrong, fucking up everything, ugly and fat,need to go kill myself, etc etc. I could continue but I don’t want to depress you too much. The other half of my brain has to constantly fight that voice, in addition to continue whatever task I am currently doing.

Fun times, man. I think that’s called anxiety, or depression, or some form. I should probably get it fixed….. oh well.

 

Back to hopefully finishing my presentations so I can sleep at a normal time today and not be exhausted during my entire fucking long day of classes tomorrow….. probably not going to happen.

Intimacy vs. Isolation stage on full blast. JEAHHHH early twenties developmental stages. 

 

Also, drinking beer (EXPENSIVE fucking beer) for dinner is not a good idea. Especially when I have work the next morning. I could have spent $35 on a legitimate nice meal or something. #fuckit #worthit

#collegeprobs

Also I hate PMS. and the emotional weirdo I turn into about 9 days a fuckin’ month. It’s literally like someone takes over my hormones and I have to constantly fight them to take it back. And if I forget for even a second that they’re still pulling, I get lost in a world of crazy.

Hate me or love me, I’m honest (at least on here…)

Also I feel bad for the UMD DG girl Rebecca and her email. She maybe could have been less rude, but really though. Someone needs to put people in their place sometimes, and she certainly did it. Mad props to her cahones (cojones?) and ability to get shit done. 

alright, time to get my own shit done. #leggo

 

 

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4 Things To Consider Before Deleting Your Facebook Profile

Very true. All things I’m currently doing since I’ve now not had a facebook for almost TWO MONTHS. Holy shit.

Thought Catalog

Leaving Facebook feels like what I imagine divorce following years of loveless marriage might feels like. What used to be a fulfilling, constructive, and positive relationship became stale and alienating, and refused to let me go.

Facebook behaves like an addiction in the sense that, the longer you use it, the more of your personal capital you invest into it. It retains a monopoly of your contacts, photos, events, etc. Leaving it creates withdrawal not for Facebook itself, but for the aspects social life it facilitated, and made impossible without it, betting that users will always return just because of the sheer immensity of their existence that is contained within its servers.

I do sometimes entertain these dystopian, conspiratorial theories about Facebook, concerns over the degree to which private information is stored, shared, and utilized for profit, but this was not a move of principle on my part. Bored, resentful…

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21 Things To Look For In A Boyfriend

Hmm, I agree. Now where do I find me one of these creatures?

Thought Catalog

1. Regardless of his height, he is comfortable with the way he looks around you. You don’t have to date a guy who is taller than most, but he can’t be someone who is threatened to be seen with you.

2. He genuinely makes you laugh (because he is funny, not because you think he is attractive and want to flatter him), and not a self-conscious little giggle, either. He makes you belly laugh and choke on your own laughter and tear up with laughter and laugh so hard you think you’re going to pee yourself.

3. He loves your laugh, even your “ugly” laugh.

4. He remembers little things about you, even things that other people might consider unimportant or too minor. He knows what your favorite dish at the Thai place is. He knows what movie you two watched on your first date. He knows the blanket you…

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Heart attack

I feel depressed. Down. Sad worthless alone worthless lazy ashamed weak useless.

I don’t want to move. To do anything. I don’t want to be here.

I think I’m just having a bad day.

But I don’t think this is normal.

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How do I put this Gently?

How do I sell myself to grad schools when I don’t even believe in myself?

Man I need to get my ducks in a row. Things are all out of wack. Mentally, physically, emotionally, socially and everything in between.

On a side note, I’m really losing faith in people. I completely worked on a group project BY MYSELF because no one did anything. & then one girl edited it last minute after I bitched everyone out via email (I stayed up till 4:00 in the fucking morning to finish this shit- research and 5 pages).

& she has the balls to say she did it too. Now I don’t know whether to concede or not. I was pissed as fuck about the whole thing, and she did edit a little bit and changed the source formatting- but honestly I wrote the damn thing, looked up the sources, INCLUDED the sources, edited it, and whatever whatever. She just changed the format and edited a tiny bit. Being a good team member, I don’t know whether I should take the credit. It is 100% my work, but I feel bad not giving her any credit… but she doesn’t deserve the amount she’s taking either.

What an unnecessary dilemma. I feel guilty not including her but it’s my fucking work. whatever. I shouldn’t have to feel this bad, I did the damn thing.

And I did great on it too- got one the the highest grades (That is two times in that class now, bitch deal with it). The other slackers of the group are earning my grades too, so they fucking better be thankful.

ugh.

On a side note, it is absolutely BEAUTIFUL outside. The trees are blooming, flowers are out, it’s perfect temperature.

Nature and all it’s wonders- I love it.

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