I haven’t posted on this in forever. Somehow, I managed to get so low, fucked up my entire life, and then tried to put the pieces back together.
I graduated college. I took the next step. What’s that, you ask? Well for someone who doesn’t know what the fuck to do next after school, it is… drumroll please: More school.
So I went to graduate school in Baltimore. I LOVED it. Not because the school was any better- but I finally figured out how to study, how to love, how to live, how to BE. I started talking to someone about my problems. I kept fucking up in the boy and the friend department. I hooked up. I had an absolute slut year to get over a rough break with a FWB. He literally fucked me over, I made some stupid choices and I lost ALL my friends because of it. (I’m slowly realizing the problem is always me).
I kept a few other friends. I met a boy. He kept me occupied for a while. He was still a fuckboy in the end who didn’t want to DTR. It’s okay, I still had fun.
While I didn’t manage to do well in the school department, I managed to start at a Caribbean Med school (Disclaimer: DON’T FUCKING DO IT). I fucked my application process. Started too late, procrastinated like usual, stressed the fuck out, etc etc.
Fast forward a bit. My school experience has been like one of those wipe-out shows: bouncing off obstacles while failing HARD CORE but still somehow making it through- and getting totally obliterated in the process.
I won’t vent about my school here, yet. There’s a lot of shit, and it’s not the place you want to be. But in the end I just want to GTFO and I can warn others after (IF) I get that MD.
Anyways, I’m FAILING this term. I can re do it, but it means more time and money on an island that is not an easy life. It’s far from first world (and not quite third world either). It’s beautiful and there are a lot of perks. With nothing to do (but lay on the beach, swim, visit other islands)… sure, it sounds like paradise. It means there are fewer distractions to study. For a while, after getting over my first failing term, I made really good friends, had A LOT of fun and LOVED life. I enjoyed school, my friends, the beach, everything. This past term however- I struggled from the get go. Something hit me harder this year. Maybe it was being extra upset about staying a hookup buddy with my ex. Maybe it was being useless and single and not proud of my life at 27. Late twenties, single, unaccomplished? What a life. Depression hit me HARD. I have a hunch it had something to do with my IUD shifting- it doesn’t quite make sense, medically. But hormonal contraceptives fuck with my emotions hardcore. Anyways, school was rough, I drink myself into a shitshow one night and alienated my “close” friends in the process. I failed my midterms, and got stuck in a deep hole that was going to be near impossible to dig myself out of.
I thought I could make it out. But instead, it has just gotten worse. Those friends? It’s funny how the first signs of failure and not finishing school at the same time as them, and they NOPED the fuck out real quick. They stopped talking to me. They excluded me from what I thought were really good friends, and med school family. They replaced me with another brown one.
I don’t know if I’m gonna make it out of this term still standing. I don’t know if I can stand yet another $25,000 and 6 months on this island. I don’t have the mental stamina, or the friends for it. I’ve alienated everyone. The only common denominator to this shit is me. I’m the fuck up.
That broken record player in my head and body? It plays palpitations, upset stomach, tremors, chest paint, shortness of breath. The constant “You’re an idiot. You’re a fuck up. You suck. Everyone is better than you”… Funny, I think I wrote those same thoughts 5 years ago. Somethings cycle back to the same, over and over and over again.
I need some propranolol, and some alprazolam (AKA Xanax). My current anxiolytic is wine, and nothing else (but maybe this). I’ve learned a few things here. But I don’t think I know ANYTHING, and certainly not enough to take a board exam yet.
I feel old, and alone. I feel bored, restless. I’m falling apart. Like I’m doing something wrong and I don’t want to be here. WHY am I here? I don’t have the motivation. I don’t have the “it.” I took it to heart when an ex told me I shouldn’t do med school. He told me to quit, a few months in after failing, and he told me to go to start over. Go to vet school (because I love dogs).
I can’t stop thinking about that option. But I don’t want to start over. I just want to be accepted. To finish. To not be a statistic. To make my parents, and myself actually proud of my work. I’m not-not proud of anything I’ve done. I half-ass it all.
But here we are. Burn out is real.
I put one foot in front of the other one.